There are some things in this world we will never forget. No matter how small or insignificant, these memories are a constant reminder of how things were and how they are.
Sometimes I just want to forget.
In my most vulnerable state of mind, I remember.
Memories are a burden, at least in my case. They remind me of what I once had and have lost over the course of time, for better or for worse. There are moments of my life that I can recall in perfect detail (the burden of an eidetic memory). In first grade, I remember running out of lunch money and my lie of being allergic to peanut butter so that I would not have to eat the peanut butter sandwich given to me instead of the chicken nuggets I so desired (I hate peanut butter). And then my teacher, bless her soul, bought my lie and bought my lunch. I remember the guilt all the time.
As I got older, I remember even more.
I remember life isn't fair. Everyday is taken one step at a time, because if it were taken as an all-out sprint, I wouldn't make it. It's hard enough taking that one tiny step, knowing that no matter what things won't change and I can't do anything to change the inevitable outcome. Time stops for no one, and neither does Death.
I remember I have to keep up the facade, keep the mask in place and be strong -- because if I remove that mask and that wall I've built around myself and the situation, I'll crumble when I need to stand strong. I remember the times taken for granted, the moments I so desperately want to forget.
I remember my stupidity in thinking that as I got older, things would be easier because I would have the knowledge and the experience to guide me through it.
And then I remember why. Why I put on my happy facade, why I pretend like it doesn't exist, and why I'm not bothered when I truly am.
Because nothing will change.
